T H E  P L A N E T   B I L L

T H E  P L A N E T   B I L L

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Hi there, and thanks for visiting theplanetbill.com.  We hope this suits your many and varied needs from advice to music to food to commentary and beyond.

I’m Grandma Koolfinger and I administer the site for Mr. Bill, who is reclusive and nuts.  It’s new and still under development and we have not idea what we are doing.  Email me with your thoughts and suggestions.

A little about me.  I was born and raised and raised what passed for children in Lacey, Iowa which was something at the turn of two centuries ago, but is now known mainly for the amount of roadkill that collects at its crossroads.  I had     
three children, not one of whom is worth throwing into a ditch filled with rusting kitchen appliances, and seventeen grandchildren, most of whom take after their parents.  I wouldn’t give you a cold cup of dog waste for the lot of them.  Talk about sullying the gene pool.  It’s somewhere that, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have gone swimming.  It’s really quite a bit for which I should atone.  So after much malice aforethought I started this website in hopes that its content would inspire others not to make the mistakes I have.  But enough about me.

Let’s meet the staff.  You can read about Dr. Bill’s qualifications on the Dr. Bill page.  The astuteness of his words to those who are confused, hurting or in need of a kind word never ceases to amaze me.  I want to thank Dr. Bill for his cogent and insightful advice to those who need it most.  Thanks Dr. Bill.

I handle the photo page personally, so send me your photos and I’ll evaluate them and if the evaluation is positive, post them.  The current photos displayed were all taken by our staff from our highly recompensed commentators to the lowly folks who clean up around here.

The music page is administered by Flaco Verga, whom we think does a pretty good job for a mudder.  Flaco is best remembered for his role as leader of the seminal 60’s band The Nostrils.  They are remembered for hits such as “Porkie On The Street” and “Our First Date”.  Flaco is quite the stoner, but he sure can spin those discs.  Contact Flaco through me as he is rarely in a state capable of reading or responding to correspondence.

Chef Bill is in charge of the food page and if you saw him, you’d know why.  He’s big as a pond.  We affectionately refer to him as “Hey, You Big, Fat Tub Of Shit” or “Bill Bag O’ Doughnuts”.  Try his creations so you can be big and fat too and be primed to provide this great land of ours with fuel in the future.  Chef Bill is always looking for something new to eat so email him your recipes and if they are tasty enough that he can eat them until he has to have “a chat with John”, he’ll post them.

Now let’s meet the  contributors to our Commentary page, other than myself:  Edith Tinklepaugh, whose great, great grandfather, coincidently, founded the research center where Dr. Bill took his doctorate and still lectures occasionally, Chadwick Imatwa, Billama bin Oskaloosa and Guillermo Navarro Lopez and Mobilly.

Edith brings a rapier wit and a harridan’s tongue to our little gathering, but she’s muy caliente and is constantly “distracting” our interns, not behavior we necessarily condone, but we have learned to take the good with the bad.  We like to call her “Seedy Edie” or “Hey, Hose Monkey, Tuck Your Tits Back In Your Shirt” and she likes to call us all kinds of creative but derogatory names.

Chadwick is from a New England family with old money.  He refuses to let us call him Chad, so we call him “Fagboy” or “Hey Chad, Suck Any Big Ones Lately”, even though he’s an alleged hetero, being engaged to some high society white bread gal named Missy, with a smiley face dotting the “i”.  We joke around with Chadwick, but appreciate that he takes time from his busy schedule of golf, polo, coupon clipping and afternoons of brandy and cigars to be a regular contributor to our commentary section.

Billama is our commentator on all things Islam.  We call him “Caveman” or “Goat Fornicator”, which he doesn’t find all that amusing.  He may be overly sensitive, too serious or have an under developed sense of humor.  Nonetheless, He brings a valuable diversity and important point of view to our commentary section, which we like to think is all inclusive.

Guillermo is our correspondent on Hispanic issues.  We often call him “Espalda De Agua” or “Dog Breath”, which he accepts with good humor, being gregarious, affable and of a happy disposition.

Mobilly, not his slave name, provides the African point of view to our site.  He can be a little sullen and speak in monosyllables at times, but that’s just him. We call him Mobilly or what ever he wishes to be called at the time, like “Your Royal Highness” because he is firearms proficient and purportedly has a ceramic knife and quite frankly, the rest of us are frightened of him.

Please address all correspondence to our commentators to me and put their first names on the subject line.

The quotations page includes the musings of the famous and the obscure.  They are credited whenever possible.  If you have a personal quote or one you think should be included email it to me and I will take under advisement.

Well, thanks again for stopping by.  I hope you visit us often and become part of The Planet Bill.  We hope that all that visit the site can find at least one, but hopefully, several things to offend them.  Please send us your questions, comments and answers.  We will have a section posting the most interesting of them.  If you want to send money that would be nice too.

We are still working feverishly on the site and as you can see, many pages have no content yet.  Coming soon, revealing photos of Zac Efron and Megan Fox, so check back often.